I DON'T SMILE WITH MY TEETH UNLESS WHEN I AM TO HAPPY NOT TO
2013-06-18 13:44:00
"I need to vent. I need to open my mind and just write down everything that is going on because I can’t handle keeping it all inside of me. How am I supposed to act right now? It just hit me. The feeling of being to far away from home just hit me and it sucks. I didn’t really feel like this while in the states. I think it might have been because I knew I was going back. I had a date set where I’d see all my friends, and my family, again. I knew I’d see them. but whats now? I don’t know when I’ll go home next time. I don’t know when I’ll get to see all my best friends again. I don’t know when the next time I’ll see Shelbi, Jeavonna, Cole, Andys, Tais or anyone elses pretty face. It hurts not knowing, it hurts so much. Not knowing might actually be the hardest part. Not knowing if I’ll ever see these people again. It felt good to be home the first 2 or 3 days, but I’m tired of it. It felt great seeing my parents and my best friends. but what now? I’ve seen them, I’ve hung out with them. I’m done here. Its all the same. Nothing has changed but me. The same people, the same place. and I hate it. I’ve been here my entire life, I’ve lived here since I was born. and I’m done. As much as I missed it while I was gone, I wouldn’t for anything in the world wanna stay here. Maybe, if I grew up in Smyrna, I’d feel the same about that town, I’m just tired of being here. but actually, I didn’t have time to grow tired of Smyrna during my 10 months. I wanted to stay there. I don’t know for how long, but just for a while. Just until I felt like I didn’t have anything else to gain from there. This text might not make sense at all, but its okay, because neither does my thoughts. I think I fell in love with the people. Maybe its not the town of Smyrna that I miss. Maybe I’d be fine if I just had all my friends on one spot? or at least in the same country, or the same continent. I don’t know. I don’t expect anyone to understand how I’m feeling because you’ve probably never been in my situation but I’m falling to pieces. I want to go home. I mean, I don’t even know what I am supposed to say. I don’t know how I am supposed to tell anyone that I don’t want to be here. That I can’t call this “home” anymore. Home is where your heart is. My heart is in pieces. It’s in two different places. Its here, and across the world. I dont know what to do with myself now. I have no idea. Fuck this. Fuck getting used to people." - June 2012
"Today, more than a year later, I've gotten used to the thought of being swedish again. I don't like it but I have had time and the chance to adjust to the swedish society again. I've started school. I've gotten plenty of new amazing friends that I probably would never have met if it wasn't for me going away for a year. I am forever thankful for my american family, my american friends and my american life. I will forever be part american and I will miss it 'til the day I die. But I will not walk around being sad about it. As a very dear friend of mine said the day before I left "Please, just dont be sad it's over. Be happy and thankful that it happend". I will not walk around missing it because America is in my past as well as it is in my future. I will be going back to visit and I will get to see my friends again. And I can not freaking wait. I am so excited. As much as I love the people. As much as I love the place, I would not for the entire world wanna move back for another year. I am done there. I felt like I had so much more to gain from the town of smyrna but I was wrong. I have so much more to gain from the rest of the world world. Smyrna is just a tiny fraction of what the world has to offer. There are so many more tiny places, huge cities, nice beaches and perfect people that I will have to meet before I die. I can not be stuck in the past if I want to be envolved in the future. The past and the future dont get along. I need to pick one. And I pick my future. Any day of my life I would pick my future." -June 2013
